


"unstressed" isn't quite the word i'm looking for

by MurasakiNoAo



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: F/M, Gen, Hardened Leliana, POV Second Person, Past Character Death, Past Relationship(s), Relationship Discussions, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-23 05:07:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14927705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MurasakiNoAo/pseuds/MurasakiNoAo
Summary: After the events of Valence, Leliana decides she has a story to tell, and the Inquisitor finds out more than they wanted to know about the fallen Hero of Ferelden.





	"unstressed" isn't quite the word i'm looking for

**Author's Note:**

> this is just something to help get my writing juices flowing again. i havent even played a dragon age game, just watched half a playthru of origins n some clips in inquisition, so this may not be completely accurate 
> 
> i was fooling around in dragon age keep n wanted to explore a leliana who was romanced by the warden, was alive n stayed w him, even when he did so many things that she disapproved of. and to top it all off, in the end he sacrifices himself to kill the archdemon despite all the bad things he'd done, which are mentioned in this fic. 
> 
> so yea, this is mostly self indulgent and mostly unedited. enjoy

You make your way through the Skyhold towards a certain destination with a hint of trepidation. The recent events of your visit to Valence have been replaying in your mind since they happened; the beauty of the cloister and Leliana’s relaxed joy at returning, the secret passage revealing an empty box, the sketched words of release on the lid.

The glint of Leliana’s knife against a vulnerable throat.

Although you are sure that the late Divine’s last message have changed her in some way, you are wary of Leliana’s reaction to such a change. It was clear how she wanted to dispose of Sister Natalie and the threat she brought with her. Does she regret it? Despite all you’ve done to help set her on the right path, does she not yet realize there are ways of handling things outside of violence?

So as you make your way over to Leliana’s corner of the hold, you find yourself holding your breath in the anticipation of what you’ll find.

When you arrive, you see her talking with one of her men - as she often is - discussing the event in which you yourself wish to inquire upon. Her sarcastic remarks do not help your hopes, but when the man is dismissed and she turns to you, you find yourself faced with not spite, but gratitude.

“Thank you,” she says with sincerity, “if you had not been there to stop me, I would have killed Sister Natalie and thought it to be a good thing.”

A bit thrown at this, you do not respond immediately. In the wake of your quiet, she continues.

“I… never really talked about the Hero of Ferelden to you, did I?” She sees the confirmation in your expression and nods to herself, looking down at her fumbling hands. “It’s… hard to think about him, but wherever I look I can find a little bit of him in everything. Which is why I avoid talking of him, because I think of him enough as it is.”

Realizing that she intends to tell the one story you’ve been aching to hear since learning Leliana knew the Hero himself, you get settled against the post behind you, attention rapt.

“Sometimes, I think I can even hear his voice, telling me what I should do.” She laughs meekly, smile wry. “Even dead he is still giving me orders, I suppose…”

Something about the way she phrases it doesn’t sit right with you, but you let her go on.

“When…” She clears her throat. “When I had my knife to Sister Natalie’s throat, I knew what he would want me to do. He would’ve encouraged me to do it.” She sees you reel back and laughs without mirth. “Yes, I know how that sounds. The Hero of Ferelden? Wanting me to kill in cold blood? Well… if you had known him, you would have understood.”

She is right; you hadn’t known him, and you don’t understand. But you want to.

Leliana sighs, but does not back away from your inquiring. “Have you heard of Redcliffe? It’s a small village in Ferelden by Lake Calenhad. Not many live there. Do you know why?”

You shake your head.

“It’s because Redcliffe was attacked by darkspawn during the Fifth Blight. The Hero of Ferelden arrived before they were attacked. The people of the village begged for his help in the fight, but all he did was prepare them. He left before nightfall, and the village perished. I know this because… I was there with him.”

Posture stiffening, you carefully ask her how she reacted.

“I was furious, of course! Back then, I felt the most hope I had ever felt, and I believed that, given the chance, we could save everyone from the Blight’s terror. But… he did not feel the same. When I protested against us leaving, he told me that we had done enough for them, and that it was their responsibility to guard their own village. That we had no business in fighting their battle. There was no arguing with him, so… I left with him. When we came back later to ask for the Arl’s aid, I was devastated to see that everyone was dead. I didn’t talk to the Warden for days afterwards.”

Frowning, you ask her why she loved him, if he had done such a thing.

She only chuckles. “Sometimes, I wonder the same thing. And that’s not even the worst thing that he did…”

This sparks your attention, but you debate whether or not to ask her about this second, more horrible thing. The Fifth Blight happened a decade ago, and you were still a child. When news came that it had ended thanks to the sacrifice of a brave Warden, you ached to hear every tale about him. Listening to Leliana’s side of things… you know you are never going to think about the Hero of Ferelden in the same manner as you had.

But, then again, knowing the Hero had deliberately abandoned a whole village has already soiled his image. And you wanted to know the whole picture.

Something twists in Leliana’s expression when you ask, however, and you almost immediately regret making her remember these things. 

“You’ve most likely heard of the Sacred Ashes of Andraste.”

You reply that you have. It had been rumored that they had been found, but when the Chantry investigated, no urn could be found. 

“Well, those rumors were true. The Sacred Ashes had been found. We used a pinch to help heal the Arl of Redcliffe so we could have his aid.”

When she pauses, you tell her that doesn’t sound so bad. In fact, that sounded like a good thing, healing an Arl. But Leliana just shakes her head. “I said we used a  _ pinch _ to heal the Arl. I didn’t say what happened to the rest of the urn.” She locks eyes with you when she says, “he poisoned the Sacred Ashes and left the urn to cultists. Never to be seen again.”

You feel your blood turn cold.

Slowly, Leliana returns her gaze to her hands. “I thought that was the last straw. And it would have been, if he hadn’t been… if we hadn’t been lovers at that point. He had… helped me through so much, and we’d been through a lot together. He helped me deal with my former lover, who, if I must say, was  _ far _ worse than the Warden in that she hadn’t cared for me at all outside of my abilities. Even if the Warden was at times… at  _ many _ times cruel, he was always loving with me at the camp. So, he convinced me to let him put that blood in the urn. I watched him do it, and did nothing.  _ Me _ , a former sister of the Chantry…”

As she grapples with her emotions, you don’t know what to do for her. So you avert your eyes until she’s composed herself.

“But… that wasn’t even the worst thing!” Leliana suddenly cries, jolting you out of your own thoughts. “It was just the closest I was to leaving him, but it wasn’t the worst.”

In disbelief, you ask her what she’s means by that not being the worst thing. You had thought this was the worst, and that was that. You’re starting to feel sick.

“I… probably shouldn’t even talk about it. The whole reason it happened was so that Ferelden would have a peaceful transition of power, and if too many people knew of this, it might send dissent throughout the land. But… I need to talk to someone about it. I haven’t in so long, I fear I’m starting to lose myself.” You feel her gaze on you, piercing. “Will you listen?”

Instinctively, the answer that first rises in you is  _ no _ , but you don’t say that. You can hear the quiet desperation in her voice; she really does need to talk about this. And hadn’t the whole conversation started with you wanting to make sure she was beginning to realize herself? Her true self, and not the violent facade she put on?

When you don’t respond right away, she backs off a bit, deflating. “I’m sorry. I’ve put a lot on you. You don’t need to be burdened with all of my bag - ”

But you interrupt her, encouraging her to go on. You assure her that all you want to do is help her, and if that meant listening to every gruesome detail, then you would.

She gives you a shaky smile. “Thank you.”

You both take a deep breath at the same time. 

“You see… one of people who traveled with us on our quest to end the Blight was a Gray Warden named Alistair. As far as we knew, they were the last Gray Wardens left. The two of them had known each other a little longer than I knew the Warden, and because of what they had seen, I could see that they were close. Of course, most of what the Warden did that upset me also upset Alistair. He was… noble, and so certainly didn’t approve of abandoning anyone. But he didn’t leave the group, for as much as he was noble, he was also very loyal. And we all thought that loyalty was mutual…”

She pauses to gauge your expression. You don’t know what your face looks like right now, but you can tell that she knows you’re catching on to where she’s going with this.

“Towards the end of our journey was when it happened. We had all the allies we needed in the fight against the archdemon… but we still needed to establish stable rule in Ferelden that united the kingdom rather than continue the civil war. 

“It had been revealed that Alistair had the royal bloodline in him. His father had been the late King’s father, and because of the affair that caused his birth, Alistair was sent away instead of raised in Denerim. Because of his royal blood, he was a candidate for the throne. But when the Warden allowed Loghain Mac Tir, Anora’s father, to live and join the Gray Wardens after he did everything to try and kill us, Alistair couldn’t handle it any longer. He questioned the Warden… asked him why he spared Loghain when he left the entire village of Redcliffe to die. When he didn’t get an answer, he told Anora the throne was hers and said he was leaving.

“But… it wasn’t quite so simple as just walking away. Anora stopped him and said he couldn’t leave, not that his heritage had been revealed. To stop anyone from declaring an uprising in his name due to his blood, she said that he had to be executed.”

The word repeats itself faintly in your mind.  _ Executed. _ It leaves you numb.

“And the Warden? He allowed it. When Alistair turned on him, practically begged him to convince Anora that he could go, he said her plan was for the best. Even when Alistair said he thought they were friends, the Warden didn’t budge. 

“The guards dragged him away, but before he left, he locked eyes on me. We… we had been friends. Talked a lot in camp when the nights got too restless. Besides the Warden, Alistair was the one I was closest to. But… when he looked at me for the last time… begging me with his eyes to change the Warden’s mind… because I guess if anyone could do it, it’d be his lover… When he looked at me, to me, I did nothing. I could have, but I didn’t. I turned my eyes away and when I looked back, he was gone. I never saw him again.”

Silence hangs over you. You swallow, but your throat is too dry and you end up coughing into your elbow. Leliana watches you, then settles herself into the chair by her desk. Eventually you manage the courage to ask her why she didn’t leave after that.

“Because I suppose I was already in too deep. We were so close to ending the Blight and bringing peace back to Ferelden… Some part of me always thought that he’d be different once it was over, that it was just the war against the darkspawn that had him doing such terrible things. But, in the end, I never got to find out how wrong I was.” She absentmindedly picks up one of the documents in front of her to examine, though you’re not quite sure if she’s even reading any of it. “I had also… given up on questioning him. Despite Alistair believing I was his last hope, there really was no chance of me stopping it. The Warden only listened to me when we were at camp, and we were far from camp that day.”

Another round of silence floats around. You wet your lips before quietly noting that she never refers to the Warden by his name.

A smile, small and hard to tell if genuine, flits across Leliana’s face. “Alim Surana. He was a mage, which is part of the reason why I want to help the mages as much as I can. Because I loved one…” She sets the document down and smooths out a crinkle in the page. “I’ve haven’t talked about him to anyone in nearly a decade, and most only refer to him as the Hero of Ferelden, or just the Warden. I guess, as time passed and the more I spent away from the good memories of him, he stopped being Alim in my mind, and instead became the Warden.” She stills her hands to look at you with that smile. “It was less personal, which made it hurt less when I did think about him.”

You nod, but you still don’t fully understand how Leliana thinks of the Warden. Perhaps you’ll never understand. You doubt anyone besides Leliana herself could.

When you make a move to leave, she briefly catches your arm, giving it a tiny squeeze. “ _ Thank you _ ,” she whispers, eyes shining in the low light of the Skyhold.

You shake your head.

_ No, thank  _ you.

**Author's Note:**

> ...... for the record, the one thing in origins i would Never do is let anora execute alistair. _Never._
> 
> find me on tumblr @prettyboyvoid
> 
> if you liked, you know what to do vvvvv


End file.
